Mass Effect Epilogue
by ShameTheRedRose
Summary: A romance epilogue for female Shepard and Kaidan Alenko. If you've driven yourself to the ragged edge gearing up for the best ending you could hope for, this will be right up your alley. This is something I will update as it changes or grows. Please critique! Enjoy. Look for me as WalkingDotStudio on Deviant Art if you would like a .pdf file to download.
1. Chapter 1-Epilogue

MASS EFFECT - EPILOGUE

R.A. Crandall

August 2014

The confident metallic clack of quarian boots echoed in the ears of those she passed by on the Presidium walkway. Some turned a curious eye and went on about their business as quickly as they had stopped. Quarians were a less rare sight, eight years after the Purge. Continuing to walk, the prominent memorial statue to commemerate the sacrifice of Commander Jenna Shepard caught her eye, towering above the walkway as it did. It seemed overdone to her. Countless others in the histories of all races had made no less important sacrifices many times over though the ages. Raising one above the others in this way felt...distasteful.

"Excuse me...?!" The quarian snapped her attention away from the statue the moment she collided with the indignant C-Sec officer. She seemed stunned a moment, quickly stepping back, uncomfortable at being so close to him.

"I am very sorry, Sir. This statue was not standing the last time I was here." The C-Sec officer's expression softened at her genuinely apologetic tone.

"Someone honoured here is worthy of awe, quarian. But for now the living need your attention."

"Of course, sir. Again, I am sorry." With a courteous nod the quarian moved on toward the Embassies. The Citadel had been extensively repaired and some sections wholly rebuilt since the last confrontations with the geth. Thankfully the bar beside the Embassies had stayed where she'd expected to find it. Barla Von was here to meet her in perfect time. She seated herself across from him, slid her payment discreetly under his hand and set the cinched cloth bag she carried at her feet.

"A drink, quarian?" The quarian detached a small tube from her breather and the drink was sucked up into it in moments.

"I'm curious. You've paid far more for my services than they are worth."

"You once told me, 'the more you know, the more dangerous the game becomes'." Barla Von was puzzled. He'd often said that kind of thing to someone who wanted to know too much.

"I thought I had a memory almost without equal...You have me at a disadvantage, I'm afraid." The quarian smiled, unseen by Barla Von underneath her mask. Von downed the last of his drink. She stood as he moved to the bar to pay his tab and followed him out of the bar.

The volus merchant sealed the doors of his modest storefront behind them.

"May I ask what you are carrying in the bag?"

"A geode and paleo-chisel. They are gifts."

Barla Von shook his head. Such mundane things. He waddled over to a locker panel in the wall and unlocked it. Inside was a black armour case, a small electronic device, a compact assault rifle, a forged and perfectly valid C-Sec Spectre requisition order, a scan-shielded envelope and an antique marker. The quarian approached the locker and began to check over the contents. Everything was as ordered. She took a small keycard out of a hidden pocket, opened the device and fully inserted the card into a slot on the device. The under side hissed open and produced an identical card. Once only an exact physical copy it was now identical in function as well. She wrote on the back of the original card:

WE'RE STILL WATCHING

The quarian opened the shielded envelope and sealed the original card inside.

"There is one more thing I need you to do. It is why you were paid so well." Barla Von shuffled nervously behind his desk.

"Such as?"

"Leave after I am out of sight. Go to the Council Tower and wait outside the Council room. They are in session for the next two hours. If an alarm of any kind goes off, tell the guards these exact words, 'I have been sent by a Spectator. I must address the Council immediately'. Do you understand?" Barla Von's eyes went wide.

"I could lose my station here at the Citadel for this!"

"Exactly. That is not all. If nothing happens, leave the tower. Dispose of the envelope so it can never be found. Then forget everything you ever knew about me and go about your life as usual."

"You're still paying me more than my services are worth. I didn't even buy those weapons and armour. You did." The quarian sighed.

"I have bought from you something I value more than my own life. I think you may just have been swindled, Barla Von." He looked on this strange quarian in awe.

"I think you may be right, quarian. If you succeed I hope we'll meet again."

"We never will." Barla Von was taken aback. It was unfortunate, but also the nature of the business.

"Fare you well, quarian." The quarian nodded respectfully, tucked the C-Sec requisition card into a discreet closed pocket, the keycard into another. She walked out of the storefront, armour and rifles cases in hand and the cinched cloth bag on her shoulder. Her step was remarkably heavier and still, she moved with unaffected grace.

Barla Von let her footsteps disappear and locked the storefront behind him before making for the Council Tower as directly as he could.

xXx

The quarian traversed the crosswalk, headed down to the C-Sec offices and straight to the elevator, down to the Level SD1 Alliance moors where the SSV Normandy was docked. Guards posted outside the Normandy's hatch stopped her. She produced the C-Sec requisition card for the guards. The one on the left scanned and accepted it.

"We'll get those to the Commander for you."

"These are for the Commander's hands only."

"All right. Go on in." The quarian picked up the cases she'd set down and stepped onto the Normandy. Her heart was racing. Time she had spent here seemed to have happened another lifetime ago.

xXx

"Hey, Joker, look at that quarian. I'm not usually the interspecies type but, damn...mnn nnh. They must be a lot more prosperous than they used to be if they're filling out that nicely." Joker laughed and turned in his seat to see what Communications Officer Garon was talking about. Something about her held his attention. He didn't realize just how much so, until Officer Garon had to turn his attention to an incoming transmission that had been holding for minutes now.

xXx

The door of the Captain's Office sounded an electronic triplet of notes to tell him a visitor stood outside.

"Come in." He looked up, the sight of a quarian on the other side of the door taking him by surprise. She walked over to the desk, and noticeably waited until the doors had shut behind her to put down what she was carrying. She straight out dropped the cloth sack onto his desk with a resounding thud. He felt his defenses going up.

"What are these things?" The quarian hurriedly set to revealing its contents: an unremarkable rock and paleo-chisel. The quarian put the cases on the desk and opened them facing toward the Commander. With unsettling swiftness she picked up the paleo-chisel and released the pressure propelled needle into the lump of rock so violently the Commander leapt back from his desk. He drew the pistol on his hip keeping it steadily trained on the quarian. She'd dropped the tool the moment it had done its job. She stood calmly before him, empty palms toward him. She slowly moved to finger through the debris, producing a modestly sized gold nugget. She lobbed it across the desk to the Commander.

Pounding sounded at the door.

"Commander! Are you all right?" The message came through the comlink. Commander Alenko hesitated a few moments.

"Stand down!"

"Aye, sir." The quarian detached her breathing tubes and removed her mask. The mask had been off only moments before she was in his arms. She barely had time to open her eyes before they closed again at his kiss.

"This feels frighteningly familiar."

"Don't worry," he replied, under his breath, the words followed by a small laugh. She had dearly missed that sound. Jenna kissed him again.

"Why not?"

"Because the first time you're told you're crazy you do everything humanly possible to fix it. The second time, you learn to live and let be." It took some moments to understand what he meant and when she did she smiled and laughed. Any reservation in Kaidan's expression evaporated.

"I've never seen you smile, not like that." It felt like seeing the sunrise after 8 years of moonless, unending night. Despite the feeling he knew she couldn't stay much longer.

"You know, maybe I shouldn't, but I really need to say this; if we're going to do this, NEVER give me a reason to think you're dead again. Ever." She smiled and hesitated before she answered, taking hold of the hand still tightly gripping the gold piece.

"It's an archaic tradition, but...Kaidan, I'm not planning to." Her tone set his heart beating faster. Gold...for a ring.

"Are you...asking me to marry you?"

Jenna held his gaze unwaveringly and nodded.

"I don't think two Spectres have ever..."

"Probably not."

"The Council won't approve of this."

"I agree. They won't." Kaidan's eyes narrowed as he focused on Jenna intently.

"Have you told the Council..." Jenna took in breath and hesitantly exhaled.

"No, Kaidan."

"Then, what are you thinking?" Jenna let go of him and quickly collected the largest bits of debris from the desk, leaving only pebbles and dust behind. She rounded the desk and took a small wrist-worn device out of the armour case.

"My ship, the Scion, is a retro-fitted IS-class vessel. It's docked at Bay 12 on Level SD2. This is a map of the docking area. It'll lead you directly there. 14 minutes after I start this timer the cargo hatch will close. If you're not on board when...well, either way, at least this time both of us will have closure." said Jenna, as she strapped the device on his wrist. She kissed his cheek then started putting her mask back on. The moment she finished she took hold of his wrist and brought hers up beside it. She initiated the synchronized countdown. The cloth bag in hand, she exited the office without another word.

xXx

13:42...

13:17...

13:02...

12:54...

12:38...

12:20...

11:50...

11:31...

11:12...

11:04...

xXx

The docking hatch sealed shut.

"Where do you think Commander Alenko is going in that kind of hurry?"

"I'm not sure..." Joker replied, distracted. Garon frowned.

"Something on your mind, Joker?" He watched as Joker's hands went up to cover his mouth and his expression turned into one you'd expect to see at a eureka! moment. Before long he was laughing like a lunatic and he didn't look like he wanted to stop.

"Okay, look, man, I hate to tell you this; for a joke to be funny, you have to tell it first." Joker only laughed harder. [The XO in charge] walked up behind them.

"Something you'd like to share with the crew, Flight Officer?" Joker didn't answer. Garon looked worried. [The XO in charge] stepped up to the com panel and put out a ship-wide call.

"Doctor Chakwas to the helm. Now." Joker was shaking from trying not to laugh. [The XO] turned to the nearest navigational officer.

"Arakawa, take the helm."

"Yes, sir."

xXx

9:39...

xXx

"Get him up, Officer." Garon helped Joker out of his seat and Lieutenant Arakawa settled in.

By now Joker had the attention of half the crew. [Char 1], [char 2] and [char 3] were there before the doctor ran up two minutes later.

"What happened?" the Doctor demanded. Garon shrugged.

"I don't know. He won't say anything. He just started laughing." Joker started to ease himself down. The prospect of being declared unfit for duty sobered him up fairly quickly. While the doctor continued asking the others questions he stepped over to the cockpit window and found himself looking down on the SD2 docks.

xXx

Commander Alenko walked out of the elevator at a determined pace. The C-Sec officers posted beside where the hallway opened up into the docking area saluted as he approached with his helmet under his arm.

"Commander."

"At ease." He saluted in return without slowing in pace. The two C-Sec officers looked at each other. Something about him seemed a little out of the ordinary. How do you tell that to a Spectre, though? Kaidan glanced at the countdown on his wrist. The Phantom was 814 metres away. He had just over two and a half minutes left. He couldn't walk all the way. He put on his helmet. When he ran, the game would be up.

xXx

"Go." Garon heard Joker and turned his attention to the window. Joker pointed to the moving figure in black armour walking fast across the floor of the SD2 docking bays. It only took Garon a moment to figure out what he was pointing at. Joker's eyes darted back and forth between the Major and the guards. One put a hand to his ear, and after a moment silently signaled his partner.

"Go...go..." Joker whispered. His heart was pounding and blood had flushed his face and ears. The guards began to jog after Commander Alenko. It took all the self-control he could summon to keep from pounding the window with his clenched fists. Joker's shout silenced the Normandy.

"Dammit, Commander! MOVE!"

Everyone who could rushed to the window. They watched as the armoured man broke into an all out sprint. The guards opened fire. The engines of a nearby vessel roared to life. The Major was running a beeline for it. A deafening alarm sounded.

"Warning. Unauthorized drive start."

Seconds later Commander Alenko proved a man didn't need wings to fly. Running like his feet hardly touched ground, he didn't slow in the slightest as he disappeared into the small vessel's cargo hold. The hatch went up the moment his second footfall hit.

xXx

0:00...

xXx

30 seconds passed, the hatch sealed and the vessel lifted off, burning toward the docking bay gate. Moments later, an energy burst from the vessel overcharged and disabled the force field that sealed the docking bay. The Normandy's light's went red. An alarm sounded throughout the entire station.

"Warning. Hull breach."

As the announcement sounded the small vessel accelerated to flight speed and exited the station. The bay's secondary force fields fizzled on. Joker cheered.

"YEAH!"

"Secondary containment: active."

"What the hell just happened?" [The XO] demanded. Joker turned to [the XO]. There was an expression of sheer joy on his face.

"They did it. They're gone."

"How do you know that was Commander Alenko?"

"It was. I saw him leave." Garon said, unnerved by what had just happened. He put a hand on Joker's shoulder to get his attention.

"_What_ are you so happy about?" Joker turned and seized Garon's shoulders.

"That wasn't a quarian."

"What are...yo..."

"She _wasn't_ quarian!" The moment the lights went on you could see it on his face. It looked exactly as Joker's had when he started laughing.

"That was Sh...!" Joker clamped a hand over Garon's mouth. But there was a beaming grin on his face. Garon let out a wholly joyous cheer. It only took the others moments to figure it out. The cockpit erupted into celebration. Smiles and laughter rippled through the ship as the others whispered along what had happened.

xXx

Shepard accelerated recklessly away from the station. They were beyond its defensive range in seconds. She looked back over her shoulder and saw Alenko curled up fetally behind the cockpit chairs. She wasn't sure he was conscious. She couldn't verify that now. She needed to be sure there was no one in pursuit first.

xXx

[The C-Sec Commander] rapped orders out furiously at his com panel.

"Pursue and destroy that vessel!"

His office door slid open. Councilwoman [X] approached calmly.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. We have an emergency."

"I know. Call them off, Commander."

"You don't have the authority to..."

"Major Alenko is aboard that ship. Call your attack vessels back."

"So is a quarian responsible for purchasing illegal weapons and a serious breach of security."

"You mean this, I presume?" The councilwoman offered the security keycard in her hand to Commander [X].

"How did you get this?" the Commander demanded. The councilwoman handed him an envelope.

"I need this analyzed. Findings are Council restricted. Understood?" Commander [X] hesitated but clearly nodded in assent. Anything council restricted pertained to a Spectre.

"Yes."

"Thank you, Commander." The Councilwoman bowed respectfully and promptly left the office.

xXx

Shepard watched with great relief as the enemy contacts on her radar slowed and arced back. It was days to the nearest relay, but they were safe. She hurriedly engaged the auto-pilot and climbed out of her chair over Alenko's prone body. She laid him on his side and propped him up with his knee. Keeping his neck as unmoving as possible she took his helmet off. She couldn't feel any dangerous heat or swelling happening anywhere along the back of his neck. She looked around the cockpit for a way to prop his head up while she found something to wake him. Her heart jumped in surprise as she felt a hand take hold of her forearm. She looked back and grinned.

"Hey. Are you hurt?"

"Nothing bad."

"Good." It may have been a little awkward but she leaned in and kissed him, lingering.

"I love you, you know." he said. She nodded slowly. She closed her eyes and laid her cheek against his.

"I love you, too." They helped each other up and climbed back into the cockpit seats.

"What's our plan?"

"There's a goal and destination, not a plan. Plans make you predictable. We have anything we could need. I've spent a few years heavily retrofitting this ship. Pirates and mercenaries won't be a concern. Our stealth capabilities are almost as good as the Normandy's."

"You couldn't get that done on your own."

"No. I had help. Help we can trust." Kaidan saw something and climbed out of his seat to get it, betraying an injured leg as he did. A panel hissed open...then closed and he came back to his seat. When he opened his hand there were two gold pieces there. He handed her one.

"Hold on to it. For me."

"Always." Each tucked theirs away in a safe place in their suits.

"How did you get here?"

"As soon as the first mass relays were working again I started looking. I've had so many close calls, missing you by a month or a few days. It just happened in the last few months that non-essential vessels could reach the Citadel as quickly as I needed to. The rest is details."

"Where did you find the gold?"

"Do you remember Eletania? Those rediculous purple monkeys?" Kaidan smiled and laughed.

"Seriously?" Jenna nodded and smirked.

"Yeah. I was near enough to the system and some of the above ground deposits were in tact." Kaidan shook his head in amazement, inhaled deeply and leaned back into his seat, closing his eyes. He held out a hand, looking for hers. She slid her fingers between his and set her forearm on her armrest, holding up and holding on to his hand.

"Sit back, relax and enjoy our flight." Kaidan let out a slight chuckle, smiled and drifted off into sleep.

xXx

He woke a few hours later finding his hand held still. He gave hers a small stroke with his thumb. She turned and smiled before looking back out the window, her thoughts far away.

"What's on your mind?"

"Something Ashley said. She asked me, how a person can look at something as beautiful as all this and not believe in God."

"It doesn't bother me that you're not a spiritual person."

"A few hours ago, on the Citadel, you would have been right, but..." Kaidan looked at her closely, sure it wasn't the right time to cut in.

"The galaxy is wondrously beautiful, but it's all...systematic. There's a quantifiable reason for everything to be as it is. If we don't know something, it's because we haven't found an answer yet. We might not even know the question...It's...of the infinite number of places you could be in this galaxy right now, you're alive, sitting in a seat beside me, holding my hand. Luck brought everything I needed to succeed into place today. I saw things align and I acted. That's it. An emergency Council session was called, letting me know exactly where the Council members would be when it I needed to get something to them. A black market profiteer happened to have exactly what I needed on hand. I could dock close enough to the Normandy that you could get to it in time. The C-Sec officer I lifted a keycard from didn't notice it was gone just long enough to avoid detection. Not a single one of those things was a guarantee, but they all happened perfectly. Without the time I spent as a Cerberus mercenary I wouldn't have been able to lift the keycard off of the C-Sec Commander. Without the years you spent coming into your own as an officer and Spectre, the Normandy, a vessel I'm intimately familiar with, wouldn't have been yours. I won't try to define it, and I don't need to. Something _greater _than us made sure we arrived _here_. I can't shake the feeling that is a piece of truth." Kaidan leaned over.

"Come here." It was a breathtaking kiss. Kaidan laughed as he settled back into his seat.

"I don't know about a God, but that was a piece of Heaven." Jenna laughed.

"I'm wondering, where did you get the Quarian armour?"

"Tali. She and her some of her colony members helped me with this vessel." Kaidan was shocked. It was unquestionably help that could be trusted.

"It would be nice to see her again."

"We will, as soon as we can get there. We have to spend some time throwing any ability to track us down into the solar winds, but that's where we're going. At least at first. Tali and her family said we could spend the rest of our lives there if we so chose. She's convinced she could never do enough to repay us a debt every race owes." Jenna rolled her eyes. "I can't live like that. Told her I needed her as an anchor until I found you. Then we'd make our own way."

"Home is where your love lives." Jenna smiled gently and held onto his hand just a little tighter, putting her other hand over his wrist. The look in her eyes was softer, less focused than it had been before.

"Is there a bunk in here?" Kaidan asked. She nodded. "Yeah."

"Get some sleep, Shepard."

"'Kay."

Jenna climbed out of her seat and out of her armour. A suspension cot slid out of the wall and two legs folded out to anchor it to the floor. It was spacious for one person and left little room to get past it to the back of the hold. The attached sleeping bag kept the occupant safely but comfortably in place. Ablutions were possible and she quickly washed herself down. Climbing into the cot she laid flat on her back and felt a tension she hadn't noticed before, release.

"Night, Kaidan."

"Sleep deep, Shepard."

xXx

She woke to a gentle touch on her shoulder. Sleep still had her eyelids heavy when she noticed Kaidan was very lightly clothed. Sleep didn't hold on to her much longer. She came out from under the covers only to find herself laid gently down again. The two left time and space behind, descending as one heart into the sweetest surrender.

xXx

"Kaidan, wake up. Please." There was urgency to her voice and Kaidan forced himself awake as fast as possible. She handed him a shirt and pants.

"What's going on?" Jenna jumped back into the cockpit seat and spoke quickly as he dressed.

"I'd call yesterday's events our first leap of faith. And we're standing on the edge of the second."

"Jenna, what are you talking about?"

"I didn't expect this. It wasn't scheduled to happen for a few days..." she said as Kaidan got into the seat beside her as quickly as he could. Almost the moment he sat down, a green indicator flashed up on the control panel.

"Stop talking riddles, and tell me..." he said, over the last part of her sentence.

"There's someone with the Migrant Fleet I'd like for you to meet." Kaidan didn't know how to respond to that. Her expression was vibrant and warm. It was obvious the thought brought her joy. She hit the green indicator and the vid link went live. There was a broad smile on her face the moment she saw the black haired, blue-eyed young boy who answered. She moved to take hold of his hand and he let her have it.

"Mom!"

"Kai! How are you?" she said. Jenna felt Kaidan go rigid. He turned to her.

"What?" he whispered.

"Kai, there's someone here...I want you to meet." Kaidan looked back to the screen. The boy's face lit up like a star cluster.

"Really!?" Jenna nodded deliberately and turned to Kaidan. She'd never seen him wearing this combination of excitement and fear before.

"You ready?"

"No."

"Can I turn on the vid link?" Kaidan grinned.

"Definitely."

"Dad! Hi!"

"Hey, Kai." He had no idea what to say. Jenna didn't miss a beat.

"How did the IS-X734 repairs go?"

"It's running great now, mom. Tali even let me help a little. If I was strong enough to do it."

"I'm sorry I have to ask, Kai, but Tali is there with you right now?"

"Yes, mom. Tali! Hurry!" Kai sounded exasperated. Tali settled into the picture, putting Kai on her lap.

"Hello, Commander."

"I don't carry that title anymore, Tali."

"I know, Shepard. I was greeting Commander Alenko."

"Hello, Tali. It's good to see you. You're teaching Kai to work on..." He looked to Jenna for a hint.

"Drive cores."

"Yup! It's true, dad! I helped out with one earlier."

"When did you learn to work on interstellar drives?" Kaidan asked. The boy shrugged.

"Don't know. Always."

"That's amazing, Kai."

"We finished the IS-X734 three weeks ago, Jenna. You know, you have an amazingly intelligent son, Commander." Tali said.

"He has the best teachers." His son looked quizzically at him across the vid link.

"How d'you know?"

"Because I did, too."

"Mom was your teacher, too?"

"She is." Kaidan said, realizing he needed to correct himself. Tali laughed.

"You know Kai, you weren't scheduled to call your mother now."

"We're fine, Tali. It's all right."

"You're certain?"

"Yes."

"Then I will be right here putting a data relay back together so you can have some time. It will be nice to have you back on the flotilla, Commander. There will finally be a face here to go with a name I hear every day."

"Thanks, Tali..."

"She sounded a little annoyed." Kaidan whispered, as Tali and Kai rearranged themselves on the other end of the call.

"It's not easy having to talk to a child who asks you every day if their father will ever be coming home." Kaidan nodded, seeing Kai settle back into his seat.

"How far away are you, mom?"

"It will be about three months before we get back. Twelve days from now you won't be able to reach us. I don't want you to think I'm angry, Kai. We can't communicate with anyone. If we do it will set us back." He looked so down on the other end of the call, Kaidan wanted to reach through the screen and hold him.

"We're coming as fast as we can, Kai. I promise." Kaidan said. The boy looked up and putting a kiss to his fingers he touched the video receiver.

"I love you, too, Kai." Jenna said. Kai looked apprehensively at them across the line.

"I love you, Dad." Trying the words on for size, he grinned, finding they fit perfectly. Kaidan laughed and put a kiss to his fingers then up to the receiver.

"I love you, Kai."

"It's time, sweetheart." Jenna said. Her tone was regretful. It wasn't hard to guess the call was coming to an end. She was shaking, she wanted so badly to keep talking.

"We'll see you soon." Kaidan added. Kai put his best effort into it and smiled at them across the vid link and the transmission ended. The boy was that strong already. The vid link closed and Kaidan sat back in his seat and put a hand over his face. It was shaking. Jenna put both hands on his.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan." He dropped his hand almost immediately, revealing tears and a bittersweet smile.

"For what?" A tear slipped down her cheek and she averted her eyes. In moments others followed it.

"Listen, nothing you've done needs an apology."

"It doesn't feel that way." She had very much wanted him to know before he saw his son for the first time. That she had asked him to abandon a life he'd spent 40 years building gnawed at her.

"Listen, from this moment on, it's a clean slate. Well, not clean. There are three things on it. The only ones that matter." He reached across the seats and pulled her into as much of an embrace as he could.

"Actually, one more thing before that. If there's anything else you need to hit me with, lay it on me. Please. No more surprises, no more secrets. Ever." Thoughts of mischief changed her expression.

"I might not know where to find a goldsmith." The triviality of it had both of them laughing.

"That's all. I swear it. If you don't know, neither do I." Jenna told him, wiping some extra water from her eyes. Kaidan wasn't sure he'd ever been more relieved in his life.

"Thank you." A firm and certain kiss sealed the deal.

Wash to White...

Message in a Bottle

"If you're out there listening, if you feel anything that's been said has affected your life, or changed how you look at the stars for the better, then this story belongs to you as much as it does to me. Jenna Shepard…"

"…With Kaidan Alenko…"

"…logging out." Jenna smiled at Kaidan. A message in a bottle.

Kaidan took her by the hand and Jenna shouldered her pack as they abandoned the deep space communications module. The sun was setting, but still well over the horizon, blindingly bright to the eye. Kaidan reached for the panel to close the door. The door hissed shut, leaving the interior a perfect black.

Looking for the Words…

"There is no time, no space, no way, that we don't end up together."

- Jack Carter

"If there is breath left in my body, I'll use it to get back to you."

- Jenna Shepherd


	2. Chapter 2-Mass Effect Extras

Mass Effect

"Never visit that turian trader. He's as sketchy as they get. Bought a Stiletto from him and it turns out it had disappeared from evidence in C-Sec two months ago. I go to try and get my money back and the bastard threatens to take my eyes out. If C-Sec gets him I hope he spends a few years in holding."

"Commander Shepard told me she'd heard the same merchant stiffing another customer for a return earlier."

The mess hall is near packed with crew chatting and tending to the necessity of feeding the body they own. Joker, Dr. Chakwas, Ashley, Garrus and Lieutenant Alenko are among them. Commander Shepard took a seat with her rations and to her dismay talk at the table abruptly died. She looked around at every face at the table and looked behind her.

"What's up, Commander?" asked Ashley.

"I thought Saren had walked up behind me, for a second." Ash laughed. Dr. Chakwas and Kaidan weren't far behind.

"Hey, Commander, how the heck did you guys get inside that compound on X57?" Joker asks.

"Luck…Well, we took out all the defensive turrets and pulled right up beside the fusion engine. They have mining charges set up around the bunker. I tried detonating one from a distance but they had shields around the damn things. To boot, it turns out they have these charges set up in a perfectly spaced ring. I tried to get between them at a few points but they were way too close. Third time I'm going up, rockets and gunfire start flying past our heads." Lieutenant Alenko cut in perfectly.

"Commander pulls us back to the rover to blast them out of their gopher holes, and the whole bloody crew retreats inside the compound. Everyone's thinking it, no one's saying it - what the hell do we do now?"

"Actually, I was thinking we should retreat and see if one of the surviving engineers could improvise a trigger to detonate them remotely," said Garrus.

"That's the kind of thing you need to tell me when we're being shot at, Garrus. The less gunfire we see in our lives the longer they'll be."

"Sorry, Commander. You just seemed determined to get in."

"No kidding." Kaidan quipped. "She goes straight for the weapons locker, pulls out a Nagi VIII, tells us to "keep them busy and keep an eye on her ass" and takes off running for a nearby berm. We scramble back to the blast caps and keep the bastards occupied. A few seconds later I see a rocket heading in the Commander's direction. I got a warning off but when that thing hit…I thought you were toast."

"So did I. Lucky for me they were poor shots. But they didn't know that. I managed to stay out of sight half way up the cliff we'd come down on our approach. Picked them off from there while Lieutenant Alenko and Garrus kept them busy. We shot down the last of them, then another one runs out of a rear door and goes around the back of the building. I have no idea what he's doing until I see him sprinting out from the other side of the building, going straight for the blast caps."

"We get the signal to fall back and run for the rover like the hounds of Hades are on our heels. Next thing I know, a blast cap detonates, the ground bounces under my feet, and there're pebbles and dust raining down on us." Everyone's listening, riveted.

"That's it?" Shepard laughed.

"Yeah, Joker. That's it. He opened a hole in the circle for us."

"Still, cool." A round of affectionate laughter circles the table.

"Lieutenant, can I ask you something?" Garrus chimes in. Alenko turns to him.

"Sure, Garrus."

"Why would you want to watch the Commander's 'ass' when we're the middle of a firefight? What strategic significance does it have?" Most everyone except the Lieutenant and Garrus had to keep from spitting whatever they were eating or drinking out, Shepard included. A choke and small cough later she'd managed to clear the juice she'd swallowed the wrong way. Dr. Chakwas was flushed red with a hand clamped over her mouth, obviously laughing hard. The others weren't far behind. There was an immediate flush on his ears but Kaidan took the question like a champ, laughing himself. Once Shepard managed to get a hold of herself, she explained herself to Garrus.

"It was another, less formal, way of asking him to cover me and watch my back."

"I see, Shepard. Thank you. I was worried we had directly disobeyed orders when you were out of sight." A fresh bout of laughter hit.

"Though, I don't see what was so amusing about my question."

"Geez, Garrus, I think we've all come close enough to wearing each other's lunch today. Can you ask me again later?"

"Of course, Commander."

"Thank you."

xXx

"Thanks, Kaidan. I needed that. Takes the edge off perfectly."

"Ice melts in it pretty quickly, too." Jenna laughed.

"How does a woman like you get here and not have...you know...anyone waiting for you?"

"I was sixteen. There was a boy in school who shared a lot of my classes and one day he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. We dated for a few months and right after New Years I told him I didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore. I was still a kid. Spending the rest of my life with him wasn't what I wanted. Five months later, I asked him if he was still willing to see me. I thought I had been wrong, and I wanted to be sure. About a month later I was. I was already considering breaking it off and, one day, my sister tells me she needs to talk to me. She's two years younger than me, saying we need to talk. She tells me that while we were dating the first time he'd made advances toward her. She'd also found out he was regularly spending time with another girl from a city nearby. I met him the next day and said we were done. After that I promised myself I would never carry on a relationship with someone unless I could be certain I could trust them."

"You loved him."

"No. But I wanted to, badly. Looking back on it later, there was a dream where I had a clear idea of myself, standing at the edge of a sheer rock cliff holding his hand. I step off and he lets go of my hand. In my mind I'm left fighting to hold on to the edge. I look back over my shoulder and where there was clear, deep sparkling water, there's nothing but jagged rock. I knew, had let myself fall in love with him, I would have been ripped to shreds. I've seen monsters right out of a nightmare, lost my sister, and some good friends. Still, nothing in my life has terrified me that way again."

"I can certainly see why you're so cautious about relationships after that."

"Some time later, my sister was talking with me about a few men she was seeing at the same time and it seemed to me that he'd done the same thing. She was still talking to me and I was railing against the idea. When I consider seeing someone, there's no one else. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask to be treated that way in return. If someone cares more about 'keeping their options open' than they do about me, there's nothing there to begin with. I decided I would never allow myself to be treated that way. I deserve better than that. By that time, I had joined the Alliance, and I was never in one place long enough or I never pursued it."

Kaidan was stunned. Actually, he was terrified.

"You going to run the other way, Kaidan?"

"No."

"Then help me out. What's going on in there?"

"I'm on the way down, wondering if you're coming or not."

Jenna moved, pulling him into a kiss and saying with the next breath she could catch,

"Gotcha."


	3. Chapter 3-Mass Effect 2 Extras

Mass Effect 2

Horizon

"Dr. Solus' package and equipment acquired. Heading to the extraction point."

"Rendevous ETA 12 minutes," reported Joker.

Miranda and Garrus reloaded and stepped out to clear the hall while Shepard secured her helmet. Shepard jogged out into the hallway as a static-ridden transmission came in over the communications console.

"...lpha tea...ta...sitions above the landing z..." Shepard heard the last of the transmission and stopped almost instantly. Turning she ran back to the console, heart pounding, waiting for another clear word to come across the channel. Garrus and Miranda had fallen back with her when they realized she had turned around. There was only static.

"The hell are you doing, Shepard?" Miranda demanded.

"The Alliance is waiting for us at the rendevous point."

"We'll get to roof. Joker can pick us up there." Miranda stated. Shepard hesitated.

"I'm going to the landing zone."

"I'm coming with you," said Garrus. Shepard nodded. Picking up her rifle and reloading, she headed out into the hall heading directly to the landing zone.

"Stop!" Shepard didn't falter in the slightest and shouted back, "To stop me you'll have to kill me." Miranda uttered a curse, lowered her gun and ran after Commander Shepard and Garrus.

xXx

They emerged from the building out onto a deck with waist high concrete rails, one floor up from the landing zone. Taking cover behind the rails, Shepard wasn't sure what to do. A voice sounded over a loud speaker.

"Under Systems Alliance authority you are ordered to surrender your selves."

"Whatever brilliant plan you came up with, you better get on it, Shepard," spat Miranda.

"No plan, just a goal."

"You can't be serious." Shepard cleared her rifle and put each end of it between her thumb and forefingers, raising it over her head. She stood.

"You're insane!" Miranda shouted angrily.

"Mmmn hmmn." Shepard replied, not so far out of agreement as she would've liked to be.

Shepard moved out from behind the rail moving down the stairs as quickly as her legs would carry her. She hit the landing pad and threw the rifle aside, unsnapping the buckles that made her helmet airtight.

xXx

"What is he doing, sir?"

"No idea, Chief," the unit Commander replied, not taking his eye away from his sniper scope.

xXx

The helmet was slower to come off than Shepard would have liked. She leaned forward pulling it off as hard as she could, having to adjust to the brightness of the sun as she stood straight again and looked up.

"Kaidan!" She looked from position to position desperately, hoping to be seen before she was shot.

xXx

Commander Alenko put up his visor and took a clear look through his scope again. _It wasn't possible. _

"Who is that, sir?"

"A ghost."

"Sir?"

"Hold fire." Alenko ordered, descending the nearest set of stairs as quickly as his feet would get him down. Holstering the rifle as he crossed the landing pad, he drew his pistol.

"Who the _hell_ are you?" he shouted.

"Kaidan, cool down. It's me."

"I saw Jenna Shepard suffocate and die. Who are you? Answer, or your Cerberus friends will be scraping your brain off concrete." Shepard took a calming breath. He was taking this pretty well, considering.

"Kaidan, forget who I'm with. The uniforms we're wearing...don't matter. You and I..._we_ are important right now. I _remember_ us." Kaidan's eyes went wide. He'd said almost exactly the same thing when...he let go of his pistol, dropped his helmet and moved to embrace her. It was her face, her voice, and, protocol be damned, it was her kiss as well.

"Shepard...how...?"

"Two years and 4 billion credits. They say this is still – mostly – the body I used to have, but who knows?"

xXx

"Wait."

"What, Shepard?"

"Do you really think you're the only one who's suffered being apart? I was dead. I didn't go back in knowing I was going to die. How could I do anything but get you out first?"

"You could have."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I don't _love_ them."

"Shepard…"

"I'm not saying you don't have _every_ reason to be angry. But don't leave like this. Take all the time and space you need. All of it."

"Leaving you with nothing would even things out."

"This is different. I was gone, Kaidan. You're alive and you're making a choice. Having to let you rip my heart out is the last thing I expected if I ever got to see you again."

"You have no idea how that feels."

"Not yet. But I'm going to."

"I'm not sorry for it."

She couldn't let what she wanted to say next past hers lips. Every fibre of her body was screaming it, but she refused to say it. Kaidan continued walking. Nothing else could be said. Shepard realized that some time later. Another sentence and things might have been broken beyond repair. Whether he'd realized that or not…time was the only thing able to tell her that now.

xXx

"Love and hate are not emotions on the opposite ends of a spectrum. As your capacity to love increases, so does your capacity to hate."

- Unknown

xXx

Post-Horizon

Staring herself down in the mirror she knew going into battle in this state was unwise. She made her way down to the cargo hold where personal belongings were tucked away in four foot by two by two foot crates.

xXx

Shepard stepped out of the elevator and on to the combat deck. Without so much as a glance at any of her officers she made for the docking hatch.

"Commander! You're just...in...time..." Joker began to say, at a loss for words after the last one passed his lips. Dumbstruck, he watched as the Commander turned sharply toward the hatch.

"I'll be back in a few hours. Keep her hot, Joker."

"Aye, ma'am." Joker sat back in his seat unsure of being able to believe what he'd seen.

"EDI, did I hit my head coming out of that crawlspace?"

"No, Mr. Moreau. Why?"

"I hope the fire suppression system at Chora's is working."

xXx

Too many lights, too much noise - a voice in the back of her mind - to the point of numbing the senses. That was the idea. Shepard set herself down on a stool, signaling the bartender. Tapping her finger along the bar three times, she watched as the bartender raised an eyebrow, set out three shot glasses, upended each and filled it with a straight shot of vodka. Snapping his fingers in perfectly even timing over each they caught fire almost instantly. Neatly knocking back each shot she raised a few eyebrows. For a specialty drink to tide her over until the next round she entered her order on a nearby console. The bartender nodded and set to work preparing the drink. As the minutes ticked by she could feel the warmth of the drinks begin to touch her cheeks.

She was peripherally aware of a group of turians and batarians down the bar eyeing her with unmistakable animosity. Good. She was suddenly aware of where their gazes were focused. Not on her, behind her. Not unexpectedly, a turian and batarian approached, greeting her with a shove. Luckily she'd put down her drink a moment earlier. She looked at the bartender. He was slowly edging away. A challenge. Perfect.

"Can't a girl drink in peace anymore?" she said, turning on her stool to face them. One of them stepped in and growled out,

"Look around, human, you're not welcome here." It was true - there were one maybe two humans in the place.

"Don't suppose there's anything I can do to convince you my money's good here."

"I don't like your stink putting off my friends. Go stink up some other..."

"Shit hole?" Shepard offered. That got his back up. This was going to be too easy.

"Get out, Allliance scum..." One of Chora's bouncers stepped up and gave the talkative turian a shove back.

"Step off, Soris." The bouncer took a step forward. The turian put up his hands, stepped back and turned around holding Shepard with a pointed look.

"Thanks. The clientele in this place has gone to shit since Fist got the boot." The bouncer shook his head. Not only was chivalry dead, seems it wasn't needed. Shepard was up off her chair before the turian came charging back at her. Luckily the bastard wasn't wearing armour. Didn't really matter if you went straight for the face. Apparently those mandibles of theirs were quite sensitive. Her first blow put the turian on the ground. She took the batarian's legs out from under him. He hit the ground and rolled away from her. Before he could get up off his knees she brought the stool down on his head. Next thing, a blow came from behind and sent her flying forward over the pile of turian and batarian. She took the chair out from under another customer before she came to a stop. On her feet like a cat dropped with its back to the ground, she redirected the fist coming for her face and, using his own forward momentum, she put his head directly into the edge of the counter. Two down for the count. Maybe three - the turian wasn't back in yet.

One of the group came at her with a knife out. She was wearing a torn and tied t-shirt with her midriff bare and a leather jacket, not armour. She grabbed his wrist as she smashed a liquor bottle from the bar open. She stabbed the jagged end into the underside of his upper arm. She delivered two savage kicks to the gut and he went down. She quickly appropriated the knife. This was getting bad. Somebody was going to be killed. Two more came at her and she jumped aside to get some open space to her back. One charged her. She sidestepped out of his line of motion and he carried on past her, tripping over the barstool behind her. His leg hit hers on the way down. In the moment she looked away she took a blow to the jaw. So much for Cerberus' beauty treatments. The edge of a chair squarely made contact with her forehead as she went down.

She'd barely been on the floor an instant when she got hold of the knife again. The turian who'd tripped was up again but not for long. He was in the process of stepping over her when she severed the tendon that ran down the backs of their legs. The knife stuck in bone. She was barely on her feet when she thought she saw a blue fizzle of biotic energy in the corner of her eye. The next instant a gunshot went off behind her. It had gone wild and hit the last batarian standing. Shepard went cold. She went for the turian with the gun, breaking his hand and arm, knocking him onto his back and smashing his face with a nearby bar stool. Blood was running down into her eye now. Someone ran up and grabbed her arm. She grabbed the hand and pulled it forward meaning to use her elbow for a blow to the face.

Jack. It was Jack.

"Let's go!" Jack shouted. Shepard nodded and ran for the door, ignoring the pain in her leg. They collided with C-Sec officers that stepped in when the doors opened. Jack was already radiating a kick.

"NO!" Shepard shouted. The C-Sec officer grabbed the arm she'd put in front of Jack and yanked it around behind her, securing both wrists in binders. Shepard winced. Jack looked like she was still going to take off but Shepard shook her head. This was the cleanest way out - and the only way to keep Jack close enough at hand that she could keep an eye on her. Didn't need Cerberus trying to get their hands on Subject Zero again.

Jack and Shepard were roughly led away by the C-Sec officers.

xXx

Before they were even in holding they were being drilled with questions by C-Sec investigators.

"There's an ID tag in my upper right arm. Scan it," was the only answer Shepard gave. The investigators gave up and gave them over for processing through into holding. The officer overseeing the induction scanned Shepard for identification and looked up from his terminal like he'd been electrocuted. Shepard smiled. The officer spent a few moments conversing with a superior on the other end of a comm link. He looked to the nearest guard and nodded. The guard put Jack and Shepard into holding cells across the hall from each other. The block was clear of guards before they spoke to each other.

"Guess being a Spectre isn't worth as much as it used to be."

"Can't imagine many Spectres wind up needing to be sprung from a drunk tank."

"Well, I hope you blew off enough steam." Shepard laughed, a sharp pain suddenly flaring up on her right ribs. She pulled aside her jacket. The bullet had nicked her. Fucking hell, that was close.

"Got you, did he?"

"Yeah." Shepard wiped some dried blood clear of her eye.

"Something happen on Horizon, Shepard?" Shepard scoffed in reply.

"That personal, huh? Well, next time you wanna get shit-faced and rowdy bring a wingman."

"Thanks, Jack."

"You owe me for it - a peek at the Captain's stash when we get back on board."

"Done."

xXx

Not long afterward a pair of officers showed up and let them out of their cells. Shepard called it lucky you didn't have to leave C-Sec to make it to the docks. It had been 5 hours and Normandy was ready to depart when she arrived. She walked aboard, solid as stone. Most people stepped out of her way as if they were avoiding a rabid badger. Joker and co-pilot kept eyes on the Commander as she entered and headed for the elevator.

"Hey EDI, can I ask you for a favor?"

"If it is within my capabilities and does not jeopardize our mission I cannot refuse a request."

Joker laughed. An air of mischief was obvious.

"Awesome."

xXx

Shepard exited the elevator and made a sharp turn toward the medical bay. Jack stepped out behind her, keeping her distance. Crewmembers in the mess fell silent at the sight of their Commander. Her normally clean-tied hair was hanging wild. With a cut on the chin and forehead that looked likely to leave scars, she looked pretty rough. A bullet hole moved with the folds in her jacket. The eye she could see clearly with was disturbingly focused. The makeup she'd used was dark and bold. Her dark red lip colour was smeared. She'd worn a long sleeve v-neck shirt whose arms she rolled up high. She'd ripped it up the midriff and tied it below her chest. The loose jeans she wore had the cuffs turned up and were held in place by a wide belt. There was a rip in the back of the left leg.

The med bay doors hissed open and Shepard stepped evenly inside. She leaned heavily against a nearby cot. Dr. Chakwas knew her footstep well enough she didn't have to turn around to know it was her.

"What can I do for you, Commander?" She asked turning away from her terminal. Her eyes went wide when she saw Shepard and Jack. Shepard began to answer but the room took a sudden jerk to the left and faded to black before she hit the floor.

xXx

Shepard woke, keenly aware of the injuries she'd managed earlier. She sat up and found her eyelids wanting to stay closed again. She rested her head in hand. She was without a shirt and pants and the med bay windows were fogged out. She had a patch on her back and shoulder. He ribs were tied up and so was her left leg.

"I hear you had fun while I wasn't looking," said Dr. Chakwas. Shepard winced when she laughed. Pain tempered her sense of humour.

"I hope the other guy looks worse." Shepard laughed again, a genuine grimace contorting her face this time.

"Seriously, doctor, stop making me laugh," Shepard said and sighed. "I don't know how they're doing. One of them took a bullet. He didn't look too lively." Dr. Chakwas gave in to the impulse to give her commanding officer a severe look.

"I wasn't carrying. It was friendly fire. Contact the Med Ward to find out what's happened."

"How many were there?" Dr. Chakwas demanded, ready to don the clan mother cap.

"Uh...I don't...remember most of it. Five?" Dr. Chakwas shook her head. There were more comfortable ways to kill yourself.

"What brought this on, Shepard?" Shepard shook her head and looked away. The mark had been hit. A broken heart. Shepard winced as Dr. Chakwas retied the last lengths of the bandage around the bullet graze on her ribcage. The silence in the air was heavy.

"Planning on visiting me regularly, Commander?"

"No. This was a hard lesson was learned the easy way."

"That will need three weeks to heal. Can you allow yourself to be compromised for that long?"

"Not really. Thank you, Doctor."

"Get some rest, Commander. Or I'll make it an order." Shepard nodded, putting her shirt back on carefully. Without adrenaline the wound hurt like hell. She left and made directly for the captain's office. She opened a small storage compartment in the wall, taking out the bottle of Peruvian brandy inside. She poured two glasses, laughing bitterly when she realized she had. She put one on the table and leaned back on the edge of her desk, watching the liquid in the glass vibrate from the hum of the engine.

A mess of emotions was untangling itself in her heart and she saw something different in her mind's eye every time one pulled itself free of the knot.

_This is what matters right now, Shepard. Us..._

_I'm here for you..._

_All right. I still don't like that you had to tell me that..._

_Ice melts in it pretty nicely, too..._

_I loved you...!_

_When things settle down…maybe..._

She stood and hurled the glass in her hand against the far wall with a savage expression on her face. Turning, she smashed a nearby mirror with her bare hand. Her hand was bloodied and her wrist had taken worse than the mirror. Growling out an oath she leaned heavily against her desk, anger, sadness, resignation and pain all showing in turn on her face. She slowed her breathing and reached for the comm button on the display.

"Dr. Chakwas, report to the Captain's Office."

The doctor must have dropped what she was doing. She arrived unsettling quickly or time was passing differently. She stepped into the office, seeing Shepard first and the broken glass and mirror next.

"What is it, Commander?"

"It's...", Shepard began, letting out a despairing laugh when she realized what her next words were going to be, "...my right hand." Shepard seated herself, leaned back, closed her eyes and rested her forehead on the ridge of her palm. Something seemed to have lifted. She took in a breath, gently exhaling. For a moment her expression seemed to say tears were coming then it subsided into a gentle smile, with affection in her eyes. Dr. Chakwas was carefully picking glass shards out of her hand.

"Wherever you are, Commander, stay there. This is going to hurt a bit longer." Shepard nodded.

"Pass me the drink on the table." Dr. Chakwas smiled and handed her the glass.

"Thank you."

Shepard downed the glass and closed her eyes. Wherever he was, whatever he was doing, there was still warmth here inside her and it was enough.

xXx

"To ask why I love you is to ask my advice on the rules of madness." - Unknown


	4. Chapter 4-Mass Effect 3 Extras

Mass Effect 3

Reunion

_Kaidan,_

_ I don't hold anything said at Horizon against you. I won't insult you, by trying to convince you I can empathize with what you've been through. I think I might understand it, though. Someone once told me that love and hate are not emotions on opposite ends of a spectrum. As your capacity to love someone increases so does your capacity for hate. _

_ In the months since I woke up in the middle of a firefight on an operating table at a Cerberus facility, I realized I've spent all this time trying to navigate dark water, with nothing to get my bearings from. Your letter..._

_ You gave me the bearing of my home harbor again. Thank you, for that. It reminded me that this isn't _the_ Normandy, it's just a port of call._

_ I'm glad you stayed with the Alliance, at Horizon. I need someone there. Someone I can trust beyond any measure of doubt, who can stay out of Cerberus' reach. I don't know what kind of person stopping the Collectors is going to make me into...if even I can't remember the person I used to be, I want someone to._

_ I can't believe I'm writing this on paper. I refuse to put it anywhere Cerberus can find it._

_ In any case, I'll be careful, I promise. My thoughts are with you as often as they can be. _

_ Kaidan, I can't wait for the day you get to read this._

_Love,_

Jenna

xXx

Shepard walked into the med bay, a box wrapped in blue paper in hand. A nurse stopped her asking her to identify herself.

"Commander Shepard. I'm here to see Major Alenko."

"He's still asleep..."

"I won't wake him. I'd just like to leave something for him."

"Certainly. He's right through there." The nurse replied, pointing to the doors at the end of the hall." Shepard nodded gratefully and smiled. Shepard went into the room, its glass wall darkened to keep out the glare of city lights - bright as day even at night. Shepard went over to the bedside table and silently set the package down. She watched the heart rate monitor spike and fall with almost perfectly regularity. Taking a deep breath she stood still and closed her eyes listening to the rythymic sound of the monitor beep. Better be careful, she thought, or I'll fall asleep standing here. Taking another deep breath to bring herself back up, Shepard smiled on Kaidan affectionately and stepped out of the room. She thought for a moment she heard him say her name, but she kept walking, sure she'd imagined it. Or not. She heard her name again. She stopped in place for a moment, eyes wide, then turned back.

She opened the door enough to look through.

"Kaidan?"

"Shepard." Shepard smiled and stepped into the room. She wheeled the bedside chair closer to the bed and seated herself.

"Did you leave this?"

"Yeah."

"Can I open it?"

"Sure. Why not?" Shepard picked up the present and handed it to him.

"You've spent months working with Cerberus. I turned my back on you at Horizon. Should I be worried?"

"It's not going to explode. Open it." Jenna smiled and leaned back, putting an ankle to rest up on her knee. Kaidan opened the box and lifted out a decorative bottle branded from a vintner in the Okanagan Valley, British Columbia.

"Ice wine. Wow, Shepard, I don't know what to say."

"My favourite. Thought you should know."

"I'll remember that." Kaidan fingered the card and looked at Shepard as she took the bottle and box and set them on the bedside table again.

"I wrote that the day I received your letter apologizing for Horizon. I wanted to wait until we'd really patched things up, but, hell, there are too many reasons that may never happen. So..." Shepard put a hand out as if to say 'go for it' and looked away. Kaidan frowned and open the envelope. His expression softened as his eyes moved down the page.

"Jenna...you never...I mean, Garrus...I know you two are close..."

"Sure, Garrus. He's half the reason I'm still here. Kaidan, if you were my right hand, Garrus was the left. But the way it was is the way it stayed." Jenna explained, leaning forward, resting her elbows on the edge of the cot. Kaidan let out a breath and let his head fall back onto his pillow. He reached out a hand, looking for hers. Jenna took it. She put a kiss on the back of his hand.

"Kaidan, whatever you think about this...tell me. I don't want it to go unsaid."

"You know, you've never told me you love me. There are things you say, and I know it's what you mean, but those three words...haven't heard those yet."

"I don't want to say when it could be just an obligatory response. I want it to just...happen. It may mean that, one of these days, you're going to have to give me the chance to say it first."

"Shepard...you are...!" Kaidan started to say, incredulous. Jenna's went wide and she sat back slightly, keeping a hold on his hand.

"Out with it." Jenna challenged him. Kaidan let out an exasperated breath and shook his head.

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I don't have words adequate to say it." Shepard rolled her chair up closer to the head of the bed.

"Kaidan, I'm in. No way out." He turned to look at her.

"'No way out', eh?" Jenna shook her head.

"None." Kaidan rolled his head to the side, facing her. He reached for her cheek and gently nudged her closer. Shepard took the hint a bridged the rest of the gap. Before she knew what was happening again she needed air. She backed away from him, taking a deep, content breath. As she did the lights from inside the clinic went dim. The nursing staff had made the windows a one-way mirror looking out.

"Looks like that's my cue. I'd better go." Shepard stood, rolling the chair back to where it had been. She relaxed her grip on his hand but he didn't let go. She stood still, waiting for Kaidan to say whatever he was wrestling with.

"Jenna..." Shepard stepped back to the bedside, holding his hand as securely as he was hers.

"...don't leave."

Jenna's eyes went wider in surprise. She quickly glanced around the room and out toward the nursing station.

"I should..."

"Hold on. You can steal the Alliance flagship, not batting an eye, but when I ask you to break hospital visitation protocol..." Jenna put a finger to his lips.

"I should find a pillow."

"Oh." Jenna let go of Kaidan's hand. In the second cupboard she opened she found a pillow. She settled herself into the doctor's chair again, taking her jacket off and putting it over her shoulders like a blanket. She put the pillow on Kaidan's lower midsection, meaning to rest her head just above his hip. She pressed down on the pillow gently.

"That hurt at all?" Kaidan shook his head. She seated herself facing the head of the bed. Putting her hand underneath his she let him take hold of it and rest it wherever he was comfortable. She hiked her jacket up over her neck and laid her head down.

"Promise me you won't go."

"Wild varen, Kaidan. Wild varen." Kaidan laughed and moaned when he tensed the wrong muscles. Before long the heart rate monitors had Kaidan in a deep sleep. Shepard brought herself out of the nap she was in. She tried to slide her hand out of his and when she moved him in the slightest, the heart rate monitor would start to read erratically. She sighed, resigned. It was only a few more tries before she gave in.

"All right, Endymion. As you wish," she whispered, snuggling into the pillow and letting herself plummet headfirst into her night's rest.

xXx

"...She was amazed to discover that when he was saying, 'as you wish', what he really meant was, 'I love you'."

- The Princess Bride

xXx

Shepard woke up quite suddenly, sitting straight up. The sun was bright in the window, but low on the horizon. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and had to wipe saliva away from the corner of her mouth with the heel of her hand.

"Euch. Gross," she said, standing and stepping on her jacket with her first step. Oh. So that's where it went. Jenna shook her head to clear away the last of the sleep clinging to her and yawned. She walked over to the sink and rinsed the cotton balls out of her mouth. She washed her hands and rinsed her entire face, leaving a thin coat of cold water on it to soak in. She returned to Kaidan's bedside to find him just opening his eyes. Picking her jacket up off the floor she put it on, grateful for the extra bit of warmth.

"Morning," said Shepard, smiling and stretching her arms out as she sat down again. The chair had quite the impression in it.

"Morning." Shepard fixed Kaidan with a loving gaze and stayed silent.

"What are you thinking?" Kaidan asked. Jenna smiled and giggled.

"I'm thinking I haven't slept that well since...Ilos. I'm also feeling a little silly about the fact that even being a galactic hero isn't enough to keep you from drooling on a pillow when you sleep on it face down." Kaidan laughed with her hard enough that he was in tears more because of pain than humor. Kaidan let a particularly pronounced wince show on his face and Shepard looked toward the nursing station. She saw a doctor coming toward the door.

"Good morning, Commander. Major."

"Good morning, Doctor," Shepard answered. She looked at Kaidan with concern. The doctor walked over to the bedside and, after a brief look at the chart hanging by the head of the bed, entered a dosage for the medication Kaidan was on and dispensed the dose into his drip.

"No. No more medication." Kaidan said. Jenna stepped back and let go of his hand.

"This is a small dose. The most it can do is mellow you out. It can't even put you to sleep. You're making good progress, Major. We'll start to step you down off your dosage of painkillers tomorrow."

"I'm sorry, Doctor, but, what time is it?" Jenna asked.

"It's 5:13."

"Shoot. I have to go, Kaidan. Anderson is expecting me at the embassy at zero six."

"Don't be a stranger, Commander." Kaidan said, turning to face her with a contented smile on.

"Get yourself fixed up quick. I need you."

"Can do." Jenna smiled and nodded. She looked to the doctor and departed with a respectful nod in his direction.

xXx

For the beloved, there is no gentler call to waking than the dawn.

- Unknown

xXx

The Evacuation

Garrus watched as the surveillance monitors cycled through the section cameras looking for the evacuating council members.

"Commander. Udina and the council members are heading for the landing pad. Major Alenko is with them."

Jenna stood unmoving as understanding rolled her over like a thresher maw coming up under her feet.

"I'm going to flay that piece of shit alive."

"Commander?"

"Who better to promote as the second human Spectre than the perfect human shield?" Garrus looked back to the monitor. This could go very badly, very quickly.

xXx

Jenna reloaded her rifle and took off sprinting down the hall with Kasumi and Garrus close behind her.

"Garrus! You're my long arm." Shepard shouted as they approached the doors to the landing pad.

"Understood." Garrus put away his pistol and readied his rifle. The landing pad doors hissed and snapped opened. Shepard's team moved out into the light.

Kaidan moved himself between Udina and Shepard. All right, thought Shepard, two can play at this.

"Shepard, put the gun down."

"Kaidan...It's Udina I'm here for." Jenna took a deep breath, closed her eyes a moment and lowered her gun. She slowly put herself between Garrus and Kaidan.

"...Come on, Kaidan. Step back for a second. Who better to have at his beck and call than the one person in the _galaxy _I WON'T SHOOT?!" Kaidan opened both eyes wide. He lowered his gun. Shepard sprinted toward Kaidan putting her shield up. She locked herself into Kaidan's arms, fiercely holding his gaze as two shots rang out. Kaidan may have kept himself between her and Udina but Garrus had made the shot. Udina was hit and fell limply to the ground. Shepard blinked as the world around her started to lose focus. She let go with one arm and wrapped it around Kaidan's neck as firmly as she could. Kaidan dropped his gun, using both arms to hold her up as well as he could.

"No." he breathed. No, no, no, he thought. He laid her down, almost dropping her and ripped open the concealed compartment in her armour where a stimulant cocktail could be found. He twisted the cap off, extended the needle and rammed it into her upper thigh through a seam in her armour. Shepard let out an enraged howl of pain. Shepard caught her breath and looked to Garrus.

"Take Udina into custody!" she shouted at him. Garrus moved past them and sprinted down the gangway to arrest Udina. Shepard leaned forward into Kaidan's arms and coughed, blood spattering the deck.

"Normandy? Come in." Shepard forced out weakly.

"Normandy." Joker replied.

"Med evac. Platform Delta 2-1-2. Now." She coughed again.

"Coming, Commander. ETA four minutes."

"Four minutes...out." Shepard said. She felt her body relax. Kaidan lifted her over his shoulder and ran for the landing platform. All sound went quiet and her sight dimmed to black.

xXx

Shepard opened her eyes and shut them again, cringing from the bright light overhead. There were tears in her eyes.

"Kaidan."

"You're on the Normandy, Commander. Major Alenko isn't here." Dr. Chakwas told her.

"Where is he?" she asked, desperately afraid he'd been left behind.

"The CIC." Shepard couldn't keep her eyelids open. All went dim again.

xXx

"Commander, we have a request to board."

"Who?"

"Major Alenko." Jenna set down what she was doing and jogged to the docking hatch. She opened the hatch and stepped out into the decon bay, closing the door behind her. She fixed him with the same fierce gaze she'd worn at the landing pad. After some moments she turned her back on him, standing herself at attention.

"Shepard...?"

"Fall in, Major." It took him a moment, but he worked it out. He lined himself up to her heels and perfectly faced about, stepping backward to position himself heel to heel closely as he could.

"Permission to come aboard, Commander."

"Granted, with one condition." Kaidan looked back over his shoulder at the Commander.

"I am never to find myself staring down the barrel of a gun in your hands again. Understood?"

"Understood, Commander. I have your back." He felt her lean back against him gently.

"And I've got yours." Jenna stepped out of form and reached for the entry console. The hatch opened wide. Shepard nodded respectfully and with a permissive gesture said,

"Welcome aboard, Major."

xXx

Udina's End

"Commander, I haven't seen Ambassador Udina since we came on board."

"He's in holding in preparation for interrogation."

"You mean torture."

"I mean interrogation. What he gives us without duress is up to him."

"Commander, I must object to your methods of..."

"Object?" Shepard cut in. "This isn't the citadel tower, councilor. This is my vessel. If you take issue with this, I'll gladly show you the airlock."

"I see." Joker's voice came in over the intercom as the councilors turned to go.

"They're ready in the cargo hold, Commander."

"On my way." Shepard exited the briefing room followed closely by Major Alenko. One of the councilors sought his attention but he clearly ignored him.

xXx

"Have everything you need, Zaeed?"

"On your order, Commander."

"I demand a trial. You can't do this and get away with it, Shepard!"

"This has nothing to do with justice, Udina. You are going to tell us everything you know about Cerberus, the Collectors and the Reapers, willingly or not, then you're going to die."

"Shepard, you don't need to do this." Kaidan said. Zaeed stood back a half step, regarding Alenko with one eybrow quizzically raised. Shepard put herself toe to toe with Kaidan.

"Here's another option. I spend the next day enjoying flaying him alive. To hell with anything useful he might say. He sold out humanity for a seat of power that won't exist long enough to get warm, once the Reapers attack. He put you in my crosshair. This man's last moments are mine." Kaidan was taken aback. Shepard turned to Zaeed.

"I want everything he knows. I don't care how it's done." Zaeed nodded.

"Aye, Commander." Shepard nodded and left the cargo hold. Alenko was close behind her.

"Commander." Shepard took a deep breath and stopped, not turning around. Kaidan frowned. He suddenly felt, for the first time since he'd known her, that there was nothing he could say. The silence in the air was leaden.

"You're the one whose life was put in jeopardy. His ultimate fate is up to you." Shepard turned to face him. They heard Ambassador Udina scream. She saw Kaidan flinch. He watched, deeply unsettled, as she remained unmoved. Shepard turned and headed for the elevator, riding it up to the CIC alone.

xXx

Zaeed had forwarded good information before the first hours were up. The Alliance had regrouped and was planning its next action. Some time later, Shepard retreated to her quarters to review the places it was thought allies had gone to ground to see which were worth pursuit. Her cabin door opened letting in footsteps she knew.

"Is this a good time, Commander?" Shepard put a hand over her eyes and gave her head a slight shake.

"We've gone back to you asking for my time. That's bad." she said, turning around wearing a somewhat saddened expression. Kaidan managed a half-smile, but it was genuine.

"I'm glad you feel that way. I was worrying." Shepard turned the other seat at the desk around and pushed it in his direction. Kaidan took the seat.

"It took you a while to come back up top." Kaidan nodded.

"I...uh...I didn't want to leave. Maybe not in large part but a significant part of why that's happening to him has to do with me. I couldn't walk away until I felt I understood why. I think I understand why you're angry enough want this." Jenna shook her head.

"I'm not angry at him, Kaidan. It's like getting mad at a snake for jumping out of the grass and biting you - something it does naturally. He is who he is, always has been. I am _furious_ with myself. And, I think I'm trying to punish myself. I should have seen how this would happen sooner. I failed to, and you ended up in my sight because I failed. Organic life in the galaxy could be on the way to extinction because of his politics, and I'm partly to blame." Kaidan's expression softened. He took hold of Jenna's hand.

"Anderson, you, me, we all thought this promotion was an ace in the sleeve. There was no way to see this coming. In the end, Shepard, I'm the one who swallowed the bait." Jenna couldn't help herself, wondering, _how do I deserve to find someone like him?_ She nodded, in no way at odds with anything said.

"Well, whatever the reason I'm doing this, we need everything he knows. Zaeed will get it from him." Jenna leaned back in her chair, setting her elbow on the armrest and covering her eyes with her free hand.

"I know." Kaidan put a hand on her cheek, trying to let her know she could come out of hiding. She put her hand down and he guided her into looking directly at him.

"I also know there's a woman in there who still believes mercy is necessary even if it isn't deserved." He let go of her and leaned back in his chair. Jenna took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, batting her eyes as if she could suddenly see clearly after coming out of the fog.

"Mercy..." She hesitated a moment then stood, putting her hand on the inside of Kaidan's leg by his knee and giving him a gentle stroke before letting her fingers trail away as she walked past him. He smiled and stood, following her out of the cabin into the elevator.

xXx

"Ah, Commander. Your timing is perfect. Udina just passed out. Noisy piece of shit." Zaeed said. Shepard walked over to the chair Udina was strapped to, unaffected by the altered state of the man restrained there. The smell in the room was unique. A corpse in battle had a smell. This was different. Worse. Kaidan had come in behind her. Zaeed fixed his stare on Kaidan.

"Have you...changed your mind, ma'am?" Shepard stepped back to where the security monitor sat and put a small syringe and a case with four others in it, down on the table.

"Four for pain and a kill shot. Courtesy of Dr. Chakwas. Give him a few minutes of clarity before he dies." Zaeed raised an eyebrow and regarded Commander Shepard uncertainly.

"When you beleive you're done, not before." Shepard said. Zaeed nodded, surprised, not only by her decision but by how well he agreed with it. Zaeed turned away from them wiping blood from his hands before seating himself on the table and taking a stiff drink and bite to eat from the rations he had sitting out. Shepard left the hold with Kaidan close behind. She heard his footsteps slow behind her.

"Shepard." She slowly came to a stop. Kaidan stepped up behind her. He gently put a hand on her arm. She didn't want him to see the expression she was wearing. He gripped her arm with a little more pull. She turned part way and he stepped around beside her. The next breath she took in wavered, but tears didn't come. Kaidan put a tentative kiss on the corner of her lips and put his arms around her. The walls came down. Jenna held to him tight, the two leaning back against the bulkhead with no space whatsoever between them. Every breath she took said something painful had a hold on her heart. Kaidan put a hand up on her neck and held her close to him. Each nuzzled into the crook of the other's neck and before long, time fell away, leaving the two as they were. Neither knew how long they stayed that way.

xXx

"Glad you could join the waking again, Udina."

"There's nothing else. I swear to you…"

"I know."

"Then why…?"

"Are you awake? Because this is the fun part." Zaeed sneered. If Udina hadn't emptied his bladder long ago he would have. He cringed, childlike.

"God, no. Please…" Zaeed circled the chair, enjoying the instinctive cower Udina adopted when he walked out of his sight.

"In a few minutes, Udina, you can ask him for mercy in person. This mortal coil needs nothing more from you."

"You can let me go…" Zaeed laughed. He punched the man square across the jaw, spattering blood on the far wall, bloody pieces of skin clinging to the armour on his hand.

"You're a lucky man." Zaeed said with terrifying menace. "Millions across the galaxy will suffer in ways you still can't imagine, but the mercy you keep asking for has _found _you."

"Lucky…how?" Udina managed to say, blood gurgling in his throat. Zaeed circled to the back of the chair. From behind, with snakelike speed, Zaeed reached around the head of the chair, roughly taking hold of Udina's jaw. The man whimpered.

"Because if it were up to me, I would keep you alive as long as humanly possible and take you apart piece by piece. When death couldn't be avoided, I would pump acid into your flesh and relish every last one of your dying shrieks. I've seen it done to a man, Udina. The sound isn't human, and it still haunts _me_." Udina shuddered uncontrollably. Zaeed stepped back and took a deep breath. He wheeled a small medical cart in front of the chair, where Udina could see it.

"You're lucky…because a woman I respect, disagrees with me." On the table sat an open box that once contained four syringes. It now had only three. Another sat alone beside it.

"Some minutes without pain, and a quiet death. Because of her, this is what death looks like for you. Face it with the dignity you don't deserve."

xXx

Commander Shepard, Major Alenko and Miranda Lawson stood beside the chair. Zaeed had made the room clean with startling ease and speed. Udina had been covered with a soft cotton sheet and given relief from any pain. Zaeed picked the last syringe up off the cart and extended the needle. He had set up an IV going into an arterial vein he had carefully left in tact. Udina was dead before he took the needle out of the line. Commander Shepard nodded.

"Job well done," Shepard said. Miranda nodded in agreement.

"Thoroughly impressive work, Massani. You managed to bypass any conditioning indoctrination had ingrained. I'm glad it was well documented. It will provide invaluable insight into how to work with other indoctrinated subjects."

"I say it was soft of you, Commander…still, I'm glad to have been of service." Kaidan stepped forward and pulled the sheet up over the ambassador's face.

"We should announce this," he said, not as dispassionate to the situation as he would have liked to be. Shepard nodded.

"I will." Shepard turned to go then stopped, turning back to Zaeed.

"Get yourself cleaned up. Get some good rest. I'll have him squared away for disposal."

"Aye, ma'am."

xXx

"Attention, guests and crew of the SSV Normandy. At 02:18 hours, Donnel Udina, formerly human ambassador to the Systems Alliance, died by lethal injection following 36 hours and 22 minutes of interrogation. All documentation of intelligence and evidence regarding criminal offenses committed by the Ambassador have been forwarded Alliance command. Having been denied an open trial, an official review of the actions of the sanctioning officers – Shepard, Jenna A., Commander, Commanding Officer, SSV Normandy and Alenko, Kaidan D., Major, Second in Command, SSV Normandy has been submitted to Systems Alliance command. Review of the case has been suspended under an emergency stay of prosecution. Cremation and burial are to take place at 09:00 hours. All councilors and senior officers will be in attendance."

xXx

"You did it. Put us up for a court marshal. Not the reason I imagined we'd be facing one for."

"You agreed."

"I do."

"I can't pretend what I did was right. I refuse to be seen as a saint or a paragon, whether we live or die. Besides, you don't really think surviving this is going to be as simple as remaining a moral paragon, or a ruthless operative, do you?"

"Wouldn't be much of a spectre if I did."

"Do I need to ask you to forgive me?" Kaidan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He leaned in close to Jenna. Resting with foreheads touching, Kaidan tried to discern where he was standing.

"I always saw the fire burning behind those ocean blue eyes of yours. It makes you dangerous. Thrilling. I shouldn't have been surprised by a fire that burns despite a shell of ice around it. Jenna, if that fire is what brings you back to me, I never want it to go out."

xXx

The Mess Hall

"Good to have you back, sir."

"Thanks, Joker," Kaidan replied.

"The commander's going to be a lot less fun, but still..." Joker said as he started packing up his plate. Commander Shepard looked up, eyes wide in surprise. She had no idea what he meant.

"All right, Joker. I'll bite. Why is that?" Kaidan asked.

"Commander took a walk on the wild side after Horizon." Kaidan raised an eyebrow, looking to Shepard.

"Really? How so?" She'd failed to mention anything changing after Horizon. No one had said anything about her stepping out with anyone else.

"You know, Commander, I've been dying to ask you what happened that day." There had only been one, thankfully.

"I hate to disappoint you Joker, but I don't remember a lot of it."

"What happened, Commander?" Kaidan said, a tone of mischief to his voice. Shepard sighed.

"Well, Horizon hit the mark and I spent a few days not thinking straight. Decided to go out and find some trouble. It didn't take long." Joker laughed.

"That's all you're gonna say? I have never seen you go grunge like that before. I thought it was Jack walking out the hatch for a second." Kaidan raised an eyebrow.

"Really?" said Kaidan, intrigued. "Wish I'd been a fly on the wall to see that."

"Major, do you know how many flies there are on the walls between here and Chora's Den?" Joker answered. Shepard sat back in her chair and let go of a resigned breath.

"For crying out loud...you didn't."

"Come on, Commander, you disappeared for five hours, and you turn up looking like you've been hit by transport vehicle."

"What?" demanded Kaidan. Shepard shook her head.

"Well, I didn't have these scars when Cerberus put me back together again." Kaidan smiled and laughed.

"What have you got, Joker? You're dying to show off something."

"Thought you'd never ask."

Joker touched a button on his wristband. A small holo of EDI popped up.

"EDI, you remember the day Commander Shepard got arrested?"

"I have the video files you requested I retrieve from Citadel Security logs."

"We have to work on your colloquial language algorithms, EDI. Pull them up will you?"

"Of course, Joker." Shepard laughed.

"At least she's dropped 'Mr. Moreau'."

"She's a work in progress."

A 2D video hologram popped up in the middle of the mess table. _When the hell did they install this?_ wondered Shepard. The image of her leaving the Normandy was surprisingly clear. Kaidan had a restrained but shocked look on his face.

"Wow, even I'd stay out of my way, looking like that." They watched as she found her way to Chora's and sat down. Down went three flaming shots.

"Move it forward about...20 minutes, EDI," said Joker. EDI did so. Shepard could see the group she'd noticed first and now she knew where the others walking up behind her had come from. The security guard stepped in. You could hear what was being said surprisingly well.

"I don't suppose you enhanced the aud..." Shepard started to say when the fight broke out. A few more crewmembers had walked up to the table. Kaidan sat back one eyebrow up and a smile on his face.

"Holy shit," he said, when the turian had the tendon at the back of his leg cut. With Garrus watching she felt guilty about that. Jack was watching as well. Murmurs of approval then cries of surprise when the turian with the gun was taken out.

"You see your life flash before your eyes, Jack?" one of the crew asked.

"You'd have to do better than that." she replied. Garrus had seated himself opposite Shepard and was the first to speak when the video cut out.

"I would think you'd be proud of how you acquitted yourself, Shepard." Shepard sighed. Her feelings about it were quite the mixed bag. She wasn't sure how to take the way Kaidan was looking at her.

"It was a moment of weakness, Garrus. I almost got myself killed. Likely I would have been, if Jack hadn't thought to keep an eye on me." Garrus laughed and shook his head.

"If that's what humans call weakness, any sentient species in their right mind should be terrified of going toe to toe with you." Shepard managed a slight laugh and hesitant smile.

"Thanks." The onlookers slowly dispersed, a few good-natured pats on the shoulder being given to Shepard as they moved away. Joker finished packing up his plate and left with a smile at Shepard and Kaidan.

"Don't be so hard on yourself." Kaidan said. Easier said than done. Kaidan put his left hand over Jenna's.

"See that scar?" There was a t-shaped scar on the back of his hand across the first and second knuckles.

"Yeah. It's new," she replied. There were a few more, too.

"Doctors had to replace those four bones with synthetic ones, joints and all. The merc that took the shot had the side of his face caved in." Jenna fixed Kaidan with a loving look.

"We make quite a pair." Kaidan smiled and nodded.

"Yeah. We do."


	5. Chapter 5-Mass Effect 3 Extras-Renegade

Mass Effect Extras - Renegade

R.A. Crandall

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3 – Mass Effect 3

Reunion

Kaidan,

I don't hold anything said at Horizon against you. I won't insult you, by trying to convince you I can empathize with what you've been through. I think I might understand it, though. Someone once told me that love and hate are not emotions on opposite ends of a spectrum. As your capacity to love someone increases so does your capacity for hate.

In the months since I woke up in the middle of a firefight on an operating table at a Cerberus facility, I realized I've spent all this time trying to navigate dark water, with nothing to get my bearings from. Your letter...

You gave me the bearing of my home harbour again. Thank you, for that. It reminded me that this isn't the Normandy, it's just a port of call.

I'm glad you stayed with the Alliance, at Horizon. I need someone there. Someone I can trust beyond any measure of doubt, who can stay out of Cerberus' reach. I don't know what kind of person stopping the Collector's is going to make me into...if even I can't remember the person I used to be, I want someone to.

I can't believe I'm writing this on paper. I refuse to put it anywhere Cerberus can find it.

In any case, I'll be careful, I promise. My thoughts are with you as often as they can be.

Kaidan, I can't wait for the day you get to read this.

Love,

Jenna

xXx

Shepard walked into the med bay, a box wrapped in blue paper in hand. A nurse stopped her asking her to identify herself.

"Commander Shepard. I'm here to see Major Alenko."

"He's still asleep..."

"I won't wake him, but I'd like to leave something for him."

"Certainly. He's right through there." The nurse replied, pointing to the doors at the end of the hall. Shepard nodded gratefully and smiled. Shepard went into the room, its glass wall darkened to keep out the glare of city lights - bright as day even at night. Shepard went over to the bedside table and silently set the package down. She watched the heart rate monitor spike and fall with almost perfectly regularity. She reached for the patient chart hanging by the head of the bed. As she read, the sound of the monitor beep had her eyelids dropping to the same rhythm. Better be careful, she thought, or I'll fall asleep standing here. Shepard set the chart back into place, smiled on Kaidan affectionately and stepped out of the room. She thought for a moment she heard him say her name, but she kept walking, sure she'd imagined it. Or not. She heard her name again. She stopped in place for a moment, eyes wide, then turned back.

She opened the door enough to look through.

"Kaidan?"

"Shepard." Shepard smiled and stepped into the room. She wheeled the bedside chair closer to the bed and seated herself. She leaned back and took a solemn breath in, eyes unblinking, as she looked him over.

"Wow. You look like you tried going for a romp in the hay with a Thresher Maw and it was having none of it." Kaidan smiled and laughed as carefully as he could.

"Hope you can still love a man who's not quite as pretty as he used to be." Kaidan lamented, half serious, though also in no mood to dance around how he felt. Shepard leaned forward, elbows on her knees.

"As long all the important bits are still working, I'll stick around." Kaidan laughed, wincing as he did.

"Define, 'important bits'."

"In descending order of importance - head, heart, and...you get the idea." Shepard said, giving his hipbone a gentle poke. Kaidan started truly laughing, in pain at the same time.

"For the love of...stop making me laugh." Kaidan said then coughed as he settled himself down. Jenna brought her chair up closer to the side of the bed. Kaidan took a needed breath in and let his head fall to the side facing her.

"Did you leave this?" he asked, seeing the wrapped box on the side table.

"Yeah."

"Can I open it?"

"Sure. Why not?" Shepard picked up the present and handed it to him.

"You've spent months working with Cerberus. I turned my back on you at Horizon. Should I be worried?"

"It's not going to explode. Open it." Jenna smiled and leaned back, putting an ankle to rest up on her knee. Kaidan opened the box and lifted out a decorative bottle branded from a vintner in the Okanagan Valley, British Columbia.

"Ice wine. Wow, Shepard, I don't know what to say."

"My favourite. Thought you should know."

"I'll remember that." Kaidan fingered the card and looked at Shepard as she took the bottle and box and set them on the bedside table again.

"I wrote that the day I received your letter apologizing for Horizon. I wanted to wait until we'd patched things up, but, hell, there are too many reasons that may never happen. So..." Shepard put a hand out as if to say 'go for it' and looked away. Kaidan frowned and open the envelope. His expression softened as his eyes moved down the page.

"Jenna...when you didn't write back I thought...I heard you and Garrus became pretty close..."

"I trust Garrus. He's…my best friend - second only to you. He's half the reason I'm still here. Kaidan, if you were my right hand, Garrus was the left." Jenna explained, leaning forward, resting her forearms on the edge of the cot. Kaidan let out a breath and let his head fall back onto his pillow. He reached out a hand, looking for hers. Jenna took it. She put a kiss on the back of his hand.

"Kaidan, whatever you think about this...tell me. I don't want it to go unsaid."

"You know, you've never told me you love me. There are things you say, and I know it's what you mean, but those three words...haven't heard those yet."

"I don't want to say when it could be just an obligatory response. I want it to just...happen. It may mean that, one of these days, you're going to have to give me the chance to say it first."

"Shepard...you are...!" Kaidan started to say, incredulous. Jenna's eyes went wide and she sat back slightly, keeping a hold on his hand.

"Out with it." Jenna challenged him. Kaidan let out an exasperated breath and shook his head.

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I don't have words adequate to say it." Shepard rolled her chair up closer to the head of the bed.

"Seriously, Kaidan. I'm in for good. Whether we're sound of mind and body or not." Kaidan reached for her cheek, nudging her closer. Shepard took the hint a bridged the rest of the gap. Before she knew what was happening again she needed air. She backed away from him, taking a deep, content breath.

"Actions speak louder than words." Kaidan said.

"I hear you loud and clear." Jenna replied. The lights from inside the clinic went dim. The nursing staff had made the windows a one-way mirror looking out.

"That's my exit cue. I better go." Shepard stood, rolling the chair back to where it had been. She relaxed her grip on his hand but he didn't let go. She stood still, waiting for Kaidan to say whatever he was wrestling with.

"Jenna..." Shepard stepped back to the bedside, holding his hand as securely as he was hers.

"...don't leave."

Jenna's eyes went wider in surprise. She quickly glanced around the room and out toward the nursing station.

"I should..."

"Hold on. You can steal the Alliance flagship, not batting an eye, but when I ask you to break hospital visitation protocol..." Jenna put a finger to his lips.

"I should find a pillow."

"Oh." Jenna let go of Kaidan's hand. She shed her jacket and left it beside Kaidan on the bed. There was nothing in the cupboards near at hand. She began looking further afield in the room.

"Hey, Shepard, don't worry. This one's plenty big enough for two."

"I like the idea, but..."

"Shepard, I'd be willing to bet putting the blinds down was a courtesy not a hint. If it's actions we're relying on rather than words, I could use a little more time to communicate." Jenna couldn't resist a good helping of whole-hearted laughter. Not that she wasn't _game_ for some intimate contact, but…

"I read your chart, Kaidan. Five compromised ribs. One broken." Kaidan took a deep breath.

"I may not be able to do much of the work…but the most important part of this idea is working just fine." Jenna turned away from the cupboard she rooting through for a moment and looked on, surprised, with one eyebrow raised in interest. She let out the slightest whistle.

"I can see that." Kaidan laughed.

"God, Shepard, you're killing me."

"No, I'm healing you. Didn't you get the memo? Laughter's the best medicine."

"Not when it's pulling freshly knitted muscle off fractured ribs."

"Granted. Though, I am willing to bet the soul feels a hell of a lot better right now."

"Mmm. Yeah. That it does." Kaidan closed his eyes and smiled, content.

"I'll stay. Hold those thoughts. We'll make time for them as soon as you're out of here."

"And there goes one of the last parts of me that isn't some god-awful shade of blue." Jenna couldn't keep herself from laughing. It felt good to be laughing with him.

"Really, if we don't quit this banter, they're going to kick me out," she said, triumphantly producing a pillow from the closet she'd just opened.

"Let's sleep, Jenna." Jenna pulled the chair back near the bedside and took a seat. She put the pillow on his lower midsection.

"Agreed."

"You do realize sleeping that close to - you know - would just pour fuel on the fire?" Jenna rolled her eyes and shook her head. Kaidan gave himself another shot of pain medication. Laughing was really beginning to hurt. She had to look at a little closer at how he was sleeping to set herself up. The head of the bed was at an incline. She lowered it down and put the pillow as close to his as possible. She took his hand in hers and folded his arm over so their hands could rest on his shoulder, away from anywhere that might cause serious pain.

"Relax. Morning is coming too soon." Kaidan suddenly had a troubled look on his face, with eyes wide open.

"Promise me you won't go."

"Wild varen, Kaidan. Wild varen." Kaidan laughed and moaned when he tensed the wrong muscles. Before long the heart rate monitors had Kaidan in a deep sleep. Shepard brought herself out of the nap she was in. She tried to slide her hand out of his and when she moved him in the slightest, the heart rate monitor would start to read erratically. She sighed, resigned. It was only a few more tries before she gave in.

"All right, Endymion. As you wish," she whispered, snuggling into the pillow and letting herself plummet headfirst into her night's rest.

xXx

"...She was amazed to discover that when he was saying, 'as you wish', what he really meant was, 'I love you'."

- The Princess Bride

xXx

Shepard woke up quite suddenly, sitting straight up. The sun was bright in the window, but low on the horizon. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and had to wipe saliva away from the corner of her mouth with the heel of her hand.

"Augh. Gross," she said, standing and stepping on her jacket with her first step. Oh. So that's where it went. Jenna shook her head to clear away the last of the sleep clinging to her and yawned. She walked over to the sink and rinsed the cotton balls out of her mouth. She washed her hands and rinsed her entire face, leaving a thin coat of cold water on it to soak in. She returned to Kaidan's bedside to find him just opening his eyes. Picking her jacket up off the floor she put it on the back of the chair. She picked up her pillow and tossed it into the dirty linen bin.

"Morning," said Shepard, smiling and stretching her arms out as she sat down again. The chair had quite the impression in it.

"Morning." Jenna kissed him on the shoulder and playfully ran the tip of her nose along the skin. Kaidan couldn't help laughing.

"What are you thinking?" Kaidan asked. Jenna smiled and giggled.

"Other than the obvious…I'm thinking I haven't slept that well…since Ilos. I'm also feeling a little silly about the fact that even being a galactic hero isn't enough to keep you from drooling on a pillow when you sleep on it face down." Kaidan couldn't help laughing.

"You are just mean."

"You love it."

"Yeah. I do." Jenna stood and gave him a kiss proper. Kaidan tried to move one of his legs when she did and the effort resulted in an obviously painful wince. Jenna looked to the nurse's station. It was empty. Thankfully, there was a doctor coming toward their room.

"Good morning, Commander. Major."

"Good morning, Doctor." said Jenna, looking back to Kaidan with concern on her face. Kaidan had his eyes closed and was making every effort to breath slowly and deeply. Jenna moved around to the other side of the bed, out of the doctor's way. He walked over to the bedside and, after a brief look at the chart hanging by the head of the bed, entered a dosage for the medication Kaidan was on and dispensed the dose into his drip.

"No. No more medication," said Kaidan gruffly.

"It will mellow you out, nothing more. You're making good progress, Major. We're going to start stepping you down off your dosage of painkillers tomorrow." The doctor looked between the two of them as if he wanted to say more.

"Look, I know the two of you had a good time last night, but there's only so much good it can do." Shepard looked between Kaidan and the Doctor, confused.

"Wait, the nurses could still see us?" she asked.

"Uh huh. It's their job to watch you."

"Damn. I'm suddenly glad we...uh..." said Jenna.

"Oh, wow. Me too." Kaidan agreed. The Doctor leaned back again the shelves behind him, hands clasped in front of him.

"You're in love. I get it. I'm a medical doctor. I understand being human better than most. Still, you need to be focused on the idea of getting out of that bed and back to active duty," he said.

"We understand, Doctor." Kaidan replied. Jenna smiled and held Kaidan's hand just a little tighter.

"Can I tell you two something?" Jenna put an eyebrow up, curious.

"Shoot."

"Being a doctor makes your mental processes inexorably dependent on logic, but...the two of you are _glowing_, for lack of a better word, in a way sunshine doesn't account for. There is an irrational romantic in me that hopes that kind of light is what's going to put the Reapers back into the shadows they came from, and bury them there for good." Kaidan laughed carefully.

"Is it really that obvious, Doctor?" Taken aback, the doctor stepped forward and fixed Kaidan with an intent stare.

"You're joking...she looks at you and the look on her face makes _me_ feel like I can save the galaxy. So get better, Major, and get it done." They smiled and laughed.

"Yes, sir."

The doctor nodded and opened the door to leave.

"Wait, doctor. What time is it?" Shepard asked. He checked his watch.

"It's 5:13." the doctor said before exiting the room. Jenna look liked she'd been electrocuted.

"Shit. I have to run. I have to meet Anderson at the Embassy geared up n' ready to rock by zero six." She let go of Kaidan's hand and circled back to the chair to grab her jacket.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I love you. I'll be back fast as I can be." she said hurriedly as she put her jacket on and made for the door.

"Jenna! Did you...?" She stopped in her tracks and her eyes went wide, she caught her lower lip in a slight bite. The moment she realized what she'd done was exhilarating. She turned back to Kaidan with a bright smile on her face. She ran back to the bedside and gave him one last deep but careful kiss.

"Be careful."

"I will."

Like a summer wind, she was out the door, down the hall and gone.

A little misbehaviour makes life a whole lot richer.

- Unknown

Well-behaved women rarely make history.

- Unknown

xXx

Shepard made certain she returned to the hospital before disembarking. There was a full complement of nurses bustling about the station and it took them a few minutes to give her their attention. The number of patients in the ward was astounding.

"What can I do for you…?"

"Commander Shepard. I'd like to see Kaidan Alenko for a minute."

"I'm sorry, Commander. He's been sedated. He underwent a small procedure." Shepard narrowed her eyes, suspicion being her overwhelming reaction. He'd managed to come this far without someone watching his back…she couldn't afford to doubt the men and women here. What would be, would be.

"I didn't realize he was scheduled for surgery. I would have come back sooner. Thank you." Shepard said, disappointed, but grateful and respectful. She turned to go and paused, remembering the Doctor. If he was looking after Kaidan, everything would be fine. She thought it might be appropriate to speak with him before she left - tell the Doctor she was glad he was the one looking after him.

"I'm sorry, excuse me, who was the Doctor on duty this morning at about 05:00 hours?" The nurse gave her an odd look.

"I'm not sure. Let me check for you," she replied, curious. Shepard let her gaze wander across the pictures decorating the back wall of the station. A picture of the Doctor they had seen this morning caught her eye. Aaron Richards. Dates were hyphenated underneath. 2143 to…2184. Last year. The picture was one of six on a plaque bearing the title…'In Memoriam'.

The nurse looked up to answer her but Shepard was gone. Outside the door and down the hall Shepard stopped moving but her mind was racing round in circles trying to extricate itself from the trappings of the conclusion it was coming to.

_Get it done, Commander_. The thought had crossed her mind unbidden. She smiled and stepped determinedly forward.

_ Yes, sir._ Kaidan was in trusted hands. It was time to put hers to use.


	6. Chapter 6-Mass Effect Extras-Bloopers

Mass Effect Extras

Bloopers

"I'm alive, Lieutenant."

"That doesn't change the fact that you're in here because of me."

"If you hadn't used a kick to catch and slow me down, I'd have more in common with red jell-o than a human being." Alenko's stoic expression cracked. He laughed and walked up to the medical bed. Dr. Chakwas started laughing and shaking her head. Taking Shepard's face in his hands he firmly planted a kiss on her, then walked back to try the scene again.

"There are regs, Lieutenant. Are you trying to get us court-marshaled?"

"Court marshal the only two people who can save the galaxy. Great idea."

Shepard looks into the camera.

"Seriously, why even have regs? They sure don't seem to stop anything, do they?" Alenko is killing himself laughing in the background.

"They're more like guidelines than actual rules."

- Captain Barbossa ;p

xXx

"How'd you end up serving on an Alliance ship?"

"I enlisted right out of med school. Earth always seemed boring to me. Too safe. Too secure. I figured the colonies were teeming with exotic adventure. I wanted to travel the stars tending the wounds of tough soldiers with piercing eyes and sensitive souls. Turns out military life isn't quite as romantic as I had imagined. But humanity needs the Alliance if we want to keep expanding through the Traverse. And the Alliance always needs good doctors."

"Ever think you made the wrong choice?"

"Sometimes I think about opening a private practice back on earth…"

Shepard's mind took an abrupt turn away from the conversation. Looking directly into the camera with one eyebrow arched quizzically, she thinks,

_Piercing eyes and sensitive souls, now that sounds familiar…why do I get the sneaking feeling Bioware just lampooned my choice of Romantic Interest with sniper-scopic precision? You know what, Kaidan, darlin'? That's just fine by me._

"…working on soldiers. If I left now, I'd feel like I was abandoning them."

xXx

Q: Commander Shepard, what would you do if given the opportunity to confront Miranda Lawson about stepping out with your main squeeze, Kaidan Alenko?

A: Put a bullet through her eye.

Q: That's obviously the renegade in you talking. What would the paragon in you do?

A: Hesitate.

xXx

"Garrus! Think we have enough firepower to take out those towers from here?"

"We should!"

"Good! I don't want to get any closer!"

The three ducked behind the crates to cover and reload. Shepard looked down to her feet and saw a small tank of compressed gas. The label had the atomic symbol 'He' on it.

BING!

Shepard slung her rifle and picked up the tank dialing down the pressure so it wouldn't blow out her lungs and pushed the button to open the valve, inhaling deeply. Shepard un-holstered her rifle and brought it up to her shoulder ready to fire, having a plan in mind for getting closer. Suddenly a geth drone came barreling down the hillside right of the crates.

"Contact right!" Shepard shrieked. Kaidan 'bout jumped out of his skin when he heard the ridiculous sound. Shepard unloaded half a clip into the drone, taking it down. Kaidan started laughing.

"Shepard! What the fuck!?" She grinned and handed him the canister.

"_Lighten_ up, Major. Laughter. It's some _goooooood_ shit." Garrus scoffed and started laughing. One eyebrow up, Kaidan paused only a second. Why the hell not? Shepard put an eyeball up past the crates. Their enemy was staying pretty quiet. Kaidan handed the canister to Garrus.

"Take a hit, Garrus." said Kaidan. Shepard cracked up laughing. His voice was so _high_!

"Pure helium gas is poisonous to turians." Shepard started a new round of laughter, saying between bouts,

"Well, shit!...Sucks...s...s...s...to be you!" Kaidan started laughing harder and the sound only made the laughter worse. Garrus shook his head. Kaidan and Shepard went for another inhale.

"That it does, Shepard. That it does." Garrus replied solemnly. The galaxy was screwed.

An explosive round detonated on the other side of the crates. Shepard shot up, fired a rocket and set herself down as Kaidan let off a shot of his own, both taking cover before the next round from a tower hit.

"Fire in the hole!" Kaidan shouted. Shepard couldn't help the explosion of laughter she broke into. Boom! Boom! Two towers down, one to go.

"The hell…? Did you lose your balls somewhere!? 'Cause I _know_ you had a pair!" Garrus couldn't keep a hold of himself anymore. He and Kaidan were splitting their sides laughing. Shepard took another shot of helium. Kaidan mockingly pulled a tough-guy crotch grab and sat down on his haunches, spitting like a cowboy and leaning back against the crates.

"Phew. Nope. Still there." Trying to give your voice a deeper timbre when it was jacked up on helium sounded hilarious. He was still trying to stop laughing when he said, "If I had, I think I know who's found them." He took another breath of helium. Shepard figured hers was going to run out just breathing. She took another hit. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, near twenty new contacts began to pop up on their HUD. Shepard checked her rifle. She was out of heavy ammo and there wasn't much left in the rifle. The others were probably near the same. Kaidan and Garrus opened fire. The mako was damaged enough to be out of commission. It couldn't get them away from the fight, never mind help them win it. Shepard called up to the Normandy.

"Joker, emergency evac! My position!"

"On they way, Commander! Commander, is there something wrong with your comlink?"

"Not a goddamn thing, Alliance Flight Officer Jeff Moreau! AH HAH HAH!" Shepard said as she stood up for a clear shot and fed the attacking geth a healthy helping of weaponized plasma. There was a handful left. Kaidan and Garrus had mowed most of them down. She readied her rocket launcher.

Shepard jumped up, waited a few seconds until the remaining targets had moved a little closer together and fired off. The targets went up into the air ahead of the smoke. Shepard grabbed the helium canister and filled her lungs. She stood up from cover.

"BOOM, bitch! How you like me now!?" she yells triumphantly raising the launcher over her head. Kaidan and Garrus are under cover killing themselves laughing. Shepard drops the empty launcher and starts stripping off the lower half of her armour. Both Kaidan and Garrus are looking on thinking, _what the hell?!_

The field is quiet, and Shepard strips down to a loincloth reminiscent of those worn by ancient japanese samurai and runs out into the field freshly empty of enemies, ass cheeks hangin' out.

"Wouldn't matter if I'd had a pair or not! YOU MISSED! YEAHAH!" Shepard hoots, dancing with her knees apart and shaking her hips toward the enemy base.

Alternative 1:

The rest of the squad dies of laughter - aneurisms from laughing too hard.

CRITICAL. MISSION. FAILURE.

DUNNNNNN...

Alternative 2:

Kaidan and Garrus drop their helmets into the dirt, laughing. Kaidan set himself up on his haunches behind the crate where Shepard had been taking cover. Garrus walked over and hiked himself up onto the crate to have a seat. Shepard's victory dance carried on in the background. Garrus takes a look back over his shoulder and laughs.

"Brother, she's all yours." Kaidan nods and takes in another lung-full of helium. Garrus wasn't sure if he should say what he was thinking…aw, to hell with it.

"The bedroom must really be worth it."

"After the bedroom, you'd think I'd be able to handle this." Kaidan let his head fall back onto the top of the crate with a thud. Garrus helped himself to a healthy dose of laughter. Kaidan's laughter mellowed as he came back down to earth, so to speak. Shepard walked up beside the two of them and grabbed her discarded greaves and rocket launcher. Joker came in over the comlink, struggling to keep his voice even.

"You do realize you left this channel _open_, Commander?"

"Oh. Shit!" said Shepard, putting a hand over her mouth to keep spittle from flying everywhere as she broke into laughter she couldn't control. They thought they were laughing hard before this. Kaidan and Shepard were red faced and breathless. Garrus couldn't stand himself up straight. He was laughing too hard. A couple minutes on, the rumble of the Normandy's engines was coming up from the south-east. Shepard cleared her throat and tried to sound like she was in charge.

"Let's go, gents. Normandy's close." Garrus nodded, laughing and giving Kaidan a solid slap on the shoulder as he stood.

"Buckle up, buttercup." Garrus said then started to walk after Shepard. Kaidan let a deep breath out, took one in, got himself up, gave his head a shake and followed the others.

"Strapped in tight."

"I figured you guys would have run for the hills after all that." Shepard said, genuinely surprised they hadn't pegged her for nuts and left. She would have.

"What are friends for, Shepard?" Garrus replied, putting an arm around her shoulders as they walked on. Shepard gave it some thought.

"Sticking with you when even you've lost your mind, your pants…" Shepard paused with a concerned look on her face and turned around. "…and your pistol?" Kaidan put an arm around her waist and handed Shepard her missing pistol.

"Exactly." Kaidan said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Well said, Shepard. Well said."


End file.
